What to do if your kid needs help making friends this school year
Building Lasting Friendships: A Guide for Families Starting the School Year
Goldlaner.com – As classrooms fill with students once again, many families are navigating a complex social landscape. Beyond academic readiness, children face the challenge of establishing meaningful connections with peers. Recent research highlights that most young people desire deeper social bonds, yet face obstacles in forming and maintaining them.
The Modern Friendship Challenge
A comprehensive survey conducted in 2024 by the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health revealed that nine out of ten parents believe their children want to expand their social circles. This desire aligns with developmental needs, as strong peer relationships contribute significantly to emotional well-being, confidence, and the ability to bounce back from setbacks. These connections also serve as a buffer against feelings of isolation and low mood.
However, a persistent concern among educators and families involves the quality of these connections. Many young people struggle to sustain genuine friendships despite having numerous digital contacts. A primary factor appears to be the conflation of online visibility with meaningful relationships. Additionally, excessive time spent on devices reduces opportunities for direct, face-to-face interaction, which remains essential for developing social competence.
Creating Space for Natural Connection
Anna Seewald, a psychologist based in Princeton, New Jersey, and the creator of the “Authentic Parenting” podcast, emphasizes that friendship formation is an innate process. Children inherently seek companionship, but they require the right conditions to nurture these bonds. The key lies in providing adequate opportunities for interaction and supporting children as they maintain relationships over time.
“Children naturally make friends,” Seewald noted. “What they need from parents is the opportunity to create friendships and help maintaining them.”
When young children are placed in shared environments, they typically engage in spontaneous play and enjoyment. The fundamental requirement is access to unstructured time. Contemporary children often experience highly scheduled routines filled with numerous extracurricular commitments. While these activities offer valuable learning, they may not always facilitate socialization.
“No. 1 is providing spaces and opportunities,” Seewald explained. “Today’s children are overstructured, and they are in a lot of extracurricular activities.”
Experts suggest that when a child participates in four or more organized activities, parents should intentionally increase periods of free play. During structured sessions like gymnastics or soccer, children frequently follow directions with minimal opportunity for conversation. They may even be redirected when attempting to socialize. Consequently, meaningful friendships often develop outside of practice times when children can interact more freely.
Supporting Teen Social Development
For adolescents, the approach involves balancing activity participation with personal exploration. Teens who feel disconnected may benefit from discovering interests that align with their passions, creating natural pathways to connect with like-minded peers. Equally important is reducing excessive evening screen use, which can interfere with sleep and social engagement.
Research conducted by scholar danah boyd indicates that young people strongly prefer meeting friends in person. Despite this preference, many parents hesitate to allow in-person gatherings, often assuming home environments are safer. While home offers protection, face-to-face interaction provides irreplaceable social benefits. Furthermore, digital platforms present their own risks, including exposure to inappropriate contacts.
Navigating Conflict and Building Resilience
According to Seewald, the primary difficulty for many children is not initiating friendships but sustaining them through inevitable challenges. Conflicts often emerge early, whether during playdates or classroom interactions. Parents sometimes respond by intervening immediately when disagreements occur, potentially missing valuable learning moments.
“If something goes ‘wrong’ during the playdate, if two children fight over a toy, or there is a conflict, usually parents feel guilty, they interrupt the playdate, they don’t want to come back,” Seewald observed.
A more effective strategy involves guiding children through difficult situations rather than removing them. Parents can help young people develop skills in sharing, problem-solving, and conflict resolution. Teaching children that disagreements are a normal part of relationships builds long-term resilience.
“We need to coach them through difficult moments and teach them that relationships come with conflict,” Seewald stated.
Many individuals today view relationships as easily replaceable, choosing to distance themselves when challenges arise. Instead, families can model repair behaviors, demonstrating forgiveness and compassion. As children mature, parents serve as advisors, helping them navigate complex social scenarios without resorting to avoidance or disconnection.
Practical Steps for Families
For children who struggle to communicate openly or face significant social hurdles, professional support through therapy can provide valuable tools. Older students frequently maintain connections through messaging applications, making it essential to teach respectful digital communication alongside in-person skills. By combining structured opportunities with unstructured time, and by modeling healthy relationship behaviors, families can help children build friendships that endure beyond the school year.
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