The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

A vibrant felt-tip sign is affixed to a door, declaring “GIRLS ONLY” and playfully warning “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” [sic], with a cheeky addition: “don’t worry boys!” The board is adorned with bright hearts and stars. At a large round table, a dozen girls at DRMZ youth club in Carmarthen, Wales, are immersed in a spirited card game when I enter. Laughter and animated chatter fill the air as pizza is ordered. This visit is part of my Radio 4 series About The Girls, where I spoke to approximately 150 girls, most aged between 13 and 17. The discussions at that table mirrored countless others in the project.

The girls were witty, observant, and full of life. Their aspirations for the future included both practical goals and dreams of becoming doctors. They spoke warmly of their friends, expressing trust in each other’s confidences, and highlighted their awareness of family care. The conversation shifted between card games, school challenges, favorite teachers, and social media trends, with a notable focus on whether there were enough Cheese Feast slices to share.

“Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating.” — Girl from Carmarthen

Following the About The Boys series, where I interviewed teenage males across the UK, this project was inspired by the cultural shifts of the pandemic, the #MeToo movement, and the recent release of the Epstein files. The urgency of the topic grew as I traveled. Yet, what emerged was unexpected: a recurring theme in all conversations was the girls’ tendency to frame their identities through the perspective of boys.

Alison Harbor, manager of the youth center, shared that the girls had been “the same” as the boys in expressing their views. “The boys at the club are quite vocal,” she noted, “and pretty confident in telling you all their opinions and thoughts. Today, the girls have been the same!” However, she observed a concern: “My worry is that they usually internalise a lot of their troubles…”

Girls described how they adjust their behavior in mixed company, avoiding labels like “too much,” “too loud,” or “weird.” They aimed to be smaller, quieter, and less attention-seeking to avoid being seen as “pick me” or “a beg.” While boys could be loud and funny, girls felt they needed to temper their presence. Teachers noted this as well, often remarking on girls “keeping their heads down” or “not making a fuss.”

Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, has explored similar themes in her research. She noted: “There is certainly a pressure that we heard from young women around that — really translating into they need to be polite and respectful, and that they feel the behavior expectations on them were…”