What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Who Is Struggling to Conceive

A Painful Experience at Work

Following her third miscarriage, Vicky Levens returned to her job as a receptionist. During her time at work, two managers offered remarks she found deeply upsetting. One female manager remarked that Vicky’s miscarriage occurred early in her pregnancy, while a male colleague criticized her appearance, suggesting she wasn’t suitable for the reception desk. “I was overwhelmed by shock,” says Vicky, 29, from Belfast. She resigned during her next shift, unable to continue with the emotional toll.

Shared Struggles with Fertility Challenges

Over time, Vicky has encountered well-intentioned but unhelpful statements from loved ones, such as “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” She acknowledges their efforts to comfort her but explains that these words often feel dismissive during her most vulnerable moments. “I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts,” she adds. Vicky’s experience reflects a broader issue, as Kay, 33, from Manchester, noted in a Woman’s Hour episode. “You are met with really poor words from people,” Kay said, emphasizing that while many comments aren’t meant to harm, they can come across as insensitive.

Cultural Pressures and Social Impact

Asiya Dawood, 42, who identifies as British-Pakistani and resides in West London, highlights how women in South Asian communities often face harsh scrutiny when facing fertility issues. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” she says, adding that relatives frequently blame the wife for career focus or delayed marriage. This pressure led Asiya to withdraw from friends and family, exhausted by the constant remarks. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” she recalls. In some cultures, seeking help is seen as a sign of weakness, she explains.

Expert Recommendations for Support

According to Joyce Harper, a professor of reproductive science at University College London (UCL), infertility and its treatments can significantly impact emotions. “The process itself is a roller coaster, and then the days when you get that period or you’ve had your embryo transfer back; there are so many times when it becomes really difficult,” she told Woman’s Hour. Dr Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, advises that support doesn’t have to come from traditional circles. “It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,” she says, encouraging individuals to utilize counseling services available at UK clinics, including NHS facilities.

The Power of Small Gestures

Despite the challenges, Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, credits her friends and family for providing incredible support throughout her fertility journey. After experiencing miscarriages, people visited her, brought food and flowers, and gifted her and her husband restaurant vouchers for respite. Even her parents and husband surprised her with flowers for Mother’s Day. Elena emphasizes that meaningful gestures don’t always require grand actions. “Small signs of support also mean a lot,” she says, such as receiving texts offering encouragement.